True light can only be understood through the wisdom of darkness…
Somewhere along my life journey here as this soul and body together, as I was taken adrift by external experiences, I had lost connection with my Self and this beautiful and precious, boundless life for a while. As Earnie Larson made known, what we live with we learn, what we learn we practice, and what we practice we become. And so, I realized was true.
During my adolescent life I watched and became apart of; passively and directly picking up the vapoured energy that steamed out of my parents deteriorating marriage, and I experienced all the ways that abuse and neglect can manifest itself, by the person I was in a relationship for many years. The feelings, thoughts and emotions that engulfed my internal world as a result of these ongoing experiences, wholeheartedly consumed; taking over my Self and my life. These feelings, thoughts and emotions that engulfed me, as a 14, 15, 16 and 17 year old, were ones that I had never in my entire life experienced, nor I ever thought I would; as before this time in my life, the hue of grey that shadowed over my life was only ever a bright hue of yellow.
Overtime with this ongoing exposure, my passion and my love for life dissipated to zero trace, and because I felt so unloved and unvalued, I learned to unlove and devalue my Self. I practiced unloving and devaluing my Self, and I became the embodiment of unlove and devalue. I carried around a cloud of unwavering understanding that the essence of who I was, was just not enough and never would be enough… not even enough to keep my parents happy and together, and not even enough to be loved by a romantic partner. I really could not see a life beyond the one that I was living at that time because these immediate realities were so strong and powerful. I truly thought that this was how my life was going to be forever; engulfed in such self anguish and hatred, and subjected to such vile energy – feeding my Self and life despise. I saw no point in living; no point in life. And as a young adolescent, I was so beyond hopeless, lost, confused, beat up and extremely vulnerable.
These powerful feelings, thoughts and emotions that I experienced on a day to day basis transmuted themselves into hypervigilance and constant fear. I walked on egg shells, and allowed for people to just do and say whatever they wanted to, because I just wanted them to be happy – as to me, that meant I would not hear yelling at 10pm at night as I was trying to sleep, and it meant that I would not be thrown to the ground, told to kill my Self or be cheated on. Overtime, these were transmuted into disordered eating and body image, depression, suicidal ideation, anxiety, dependency and adjustment disorder; and landed me a stay in the psychiatric inpatient unit, twice. The chaos and disarray of my everyday reality - my cup, just became to much - to full, and it overfilled. But I am glad it did.
In hospital, as well as when I was discharged, I received the support that I needed; but more impactfully, I finally received the insight and understanding what was going on within my internal world. This in itself was a huge breath of fresh air, as for so many moments I was left disarrayed and hopeless; so very confused with the explanation of what was going on inside of me. I thought I was going crazy; so to have people tell me what I was experiencing had a name and was valid, and it could be addressed and this was not forever – that my life and my relationship with my Self could change, was the hand that lifted me out of a bottomless hole. It shifted me from a place of feeling that the world was against me and suffocating me, to a place of soon to be liberation and freedom. A place of hope and clarity in heavy fog.
This liberation and freedom however did not come without hard work. My immediate realities were still filled with an ongoing separation and abusive relationship; and to put to use coping strategies into an environment where you are repeatedly triggered, so I learned is like trying to keep a candle lit in a wind storm. And, unfortunately for me, it was during the detrimental developmental years of high school – the years where one develops a rather sound perception of Self and life, when I was apart of these experiences; and this made it so much more difficult to let go of and overcome, because my entire identity in itself was the creation and attributes of these years piled into one human body.
But, as time moved forward with the surging flow of existence, and these experiences were no longer, I was 18; and in a very nonlinear manner, I began the really difficult and raw process of mental health transformation and recovery; a journey back to Self love. I slowly learned to accept and understand those past experiences, but more significantly in doing so, I was able to shed them from ever touching me again. The grey shadow that peered over my life eventually evaporated, and in time, my child-like love and excitement for life came back. Laughter and purpose filled my days and time out with my friends and loved ones filled my nights. I found joy and peace in my everyday moments, and I woke up every morning excited to be blessed with another beautiful day.
I had let go of who I was, and what my life was, out of the creation of these past experiences. And in this shedding and release experience, I was left with this newfound blank canvas that I was in charge of painting. I was left to create and paint this new and beautiful white canvas with all who I was, and all what I (as this present Self) wanted my life to be. Through this rebirth, I began to really embark on a path into discovering my truth. And, of course, as the universe does ever so subtly, this just happened to be the time in my life where Yoga crossed my path…
My best friend worked at a Yoga studio, and she had urged me many times to attend an Asana (physical yoga) class with my her. I always was curious why everyone raved so passionately about yoga; stating how it mentally and physically changed their entire lives into this euphoric state of control, love and peace; so I thought what the heck! I will give a go and see what it is all about…
I could not tell if I was going to puke or pass out the entire time, and like all of us yogis, I can transparently say that I had absolutely zero idea what I was doing the entire class. But, even through this difficulty and discomfort, I felt at home. I felt a sound sensation of Self power and challenge… challenge that pushed me beyond my understood capabilities. It was in being present for this first class where I was moved into this infinite space of boundlessness and nonattachment. I felt a connection to my true Self in present time; and I was just here and now with my breath and body.
I remember driving home that night, so fatigued, but yet filled with so much white energy, and I thought to my Self, “woah, do you know what this can do for me? Do you know what this can do for everyone?”
Asana, beyond it providing me with so much more, supported me in moving away from the space of believing everything had happened to me, to knowing that everything happened for me. It was the gateway and catalyst in the complete shift and transformation to being conscious of, and connecting to my truth; gifting me with a completely new understanding about life about my Self. And like most, my sole Asana practice then grew into a full blossomed tree of Yoga; including the practice of Self inquiry and awareness, studying transformative concepts, striving for enlightenment, figuring our my truth, mindfulness and meditation; shadow work and ego-check.
To keep it short; Yoga was, is, and will always be the reason I am able to be and experience this life with divine and complete control, peace, love, presence, nonattachment and boundlessness; liberated as the embodiment of my truth; seeing everything and everyone around me as love and as one. It showed me the way to being and living a life way beyond my understanding of possibilities in this lifetime as this soul and body together, and because I am able to experience this, it became a desire of mine to show people how they can experience the same – but of course, as the extension of their very own truth.
My transition from being a full time student, to a full time student AND a full time teacher, felt like I had found my purpose; and this desire to become a teacher came from a place of wanting to change peoples lives the way it had changed mine. My passion in life was always to help people the way that the social workers in the hospital had helped me; and so I studied social services and psychology in post secondary school. I worked in the mental health, developmental and intellectual disability field for a while, up until my journey shifted towards spiritual and Self based psychology.
I moved from working in the field, to now being a Yoga teacher and life influencer. I brought to fruition my desire; my purpose and mission to be a conduit that embodies and delivers information that may resonate with another soul’s human life experience. I am here to be of support and inspiration; ignite and guide, and bring people to their truth; beyond attachments, past perceptions and societal influences; and into a space of liberated and radical authenticity, expression and freedom of true Self and life, in this one so very precious life that they have as their soul and body together.
and you are.